Cover of National Velvet with Liz Taylor

Why did she die at a fairly young age, 79? I looked it up in several sources, and it was congestive heart failure. That can slow you down. As I understand it, your heart becomes this squishy thing, not like a strong muscle, so your blood kind of swishes around, instead of squirting properly all over. Your legs are what the medical profession calls a “second heart.” That is, when you walk, they push the blood back up to your heart that gravity has let fall down to your feet. So, it’s healthy to walk. And not so healthy that she was in a wheelchair the last few years.

Turns out I’ve hardly seen any of her movies. Mostly, I admire her for being outspoken, and for appearing in public without much (any?) plastic surgery. You have no idea how hard it is for older women in Hollywood. Hell, even a good number of the girls on The Bachelor have had things done, even at 25! (although it’s mostly boob jobs.)

My Elizabeth Taylor filmography:

Jane Eyre – I think I saw it. I read the book, great girls book.

National Velvet - Yes, read the book (all the horse books I could find) and saw the movie. There may have been some tears.

Little Women – probably. I saw one version, and liked it a lot. Who was she, Jo? And I read the book several times.

Image via Wikipedia - Elizabeth Taylor taking off her shoe

Ivanhoe – I think I had to see it in high school. But I might be getting it mixed up with the Ivanhoe Reservoir I see every day.

Cleopatra – Yes. I remember thinking she didn’t look that beautiful to me. She and Richard B. had some chemistry, though.

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? – I hate this play. It was originally a play, then a movie. A married couple battle it out, and they’re not as clever as they think they are, but they sure are mean. It makes you squirm. If you saw the Emmy- nominated episode of The Office where Michael and Jan give a dinner party (the only dinner party) — like that.

A Little Night Music – I love this movie! Saw it as a play, too. It’s kind of like Glee for theater-goers, romantics, and sophisticates.

Cartoon after the jump. 

national velvet horse mourns elizabeth taylor's passing

Not what you expected for Ms Taylor’s eulogy?

Rob Tornoe, a talented cartoonist out of NJ,  posted on Facebook:
Who’s going to draw the first political cartoon of Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra being carried to the pearly gates?

Which was funny because so many cartoonists will do/have done that. It looks weird to me to have editorial cartoonists draw heaven, just like gag cartoonists do, but I think death is hard to do well.

Daryl Cagle has several blogs, which is very confusing, but I managed to find his collection of Elizabeth Taylor cartoons. I’m not going to name the cartoonists, because there are 3 or 4 of the most hideous portraits I’ve ever seen there, and 4 have the SAME drawing of just her eyes! Poor Liz. You can make up your own mind whether Gocomics (which has most of the same people) is any better.

Interpretation of Elizabeth Taylor cartoon

Cartoon caption: National Velvet, the horse speaks to us about how he misses Liz Taylor. (title) IF NATIONAL VELVET WAS LIKE MR. ED I m-i-i-s-s L-i-i-z! Elizabeth Taylor, 1932-2011.

National Velvet was one of her first movies, when she was just a teen, so I just went with it. I titled it 2 ways: the one above, and also, IF NATIONAL VELVET COULD TALK. I wasn’t sure if most readers would know about Mr. Ed, an old TV show which is still on TV in syndication, and also spawned some fun comic books.  In any case, Mr. Ed, the name of the horse, only talked with his owner Wilbur, so no one else knew he could talk. From the theme song:

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And no one can talk to a horse of course. That is, of course, unless the horse, is the famous Mister Ed.

Funny set up, but I can’t remember what else happened! Mr. Ed talked with a loud whinny, of course, so I tried to write his words like that.

And that’s my Liz Taylor take.

My latest cartoon for Psychology Today: How to Write a Personals Ad for Love.

More cartoons:

1. Wordless Wednesday: Not ready for primetime Slate cartoon.
2. The White Rabbit Cancels the Tea Party.

charlie sheen behind bars - at least, in my fantasy

I mean, really. I’ve never watched Two and a Half Men, and don’t plan to now. Way too much bs, and the silly, silly media for encouraging this public breakdown!

Phil Hendrie (KFI) said the other night that he knows for sure that Charlie Sheen has been diagnosed with grandiose disorder hypomania, says Phil, or some “clinical” term like that. Maybe he’s back on cocaine, I don’t know.

But I know lots of actors, and they’re different from you and I – and they experiment with their own self, which is kind of neat. Maybe he’s just trying on the crazy mask, or the grandstanding one this month. I wish him luck in his 2 upcoming live speaker gigs in Detroit and Chicago, which are sold out.

No details about the show have been disclosed, but it’s being billed as “Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth.”

Cartoon caption: The Prison of Public Opinion. Charlie Sheen: Two and a half years for harassing and grossing us out.

Image via Wikipedia - Charlie in March, 2009 What's that star thing on his lapel? I thought he was Jewish.

More cartoons:

1. Farewell to Lost cartoon.
2. Jimmy Kimmel bats one out of Wrigley Field.

jerry brown, meg whitman, and meg whitman's maid cartoon

Personally, I didn’t like her double-speak about illegal aliens, where she said one thing in English and another in Spanish. Um, we have translators here, Meg, not to mention a few bilingual folks.

But was there another reason Meg is failing in the polls? Come back later today when I give you the story of what I learned from John Kobylt (of John and Ken show at KFI – biggest talk show in the country) when he spoke at the LA Press Club tonight!!!

Caption: Jerry Brown, the familiar liberal leader, Meg Whitman, the rich, stern CEO, and the dishonest illegal maid, propped up by Gloria Allred, all battle it out to become King or Queen of California!

More cartoons:

1. The Meg Whitman Fork-tongued Doll.
2. I am bad, but it’s Halloween.

TV is my crack – at least certain shows, but this summer, only three are on my list. :( But DWTS starts up soon, so here goes!

Sorry, no Sarah cartoon today, but I found this on Facebook – the best dancing dog video I’ve ever seen. Look at his tail wagging the whole time! It brought tears to my eyes!

And Television Without Pity is my favorite place to play. So, anyway, lots of guessing about who the pros and who the stars will be each season, and last week it was rumored that Bristol Palin will be one of the “stars”!

Now, we all know she isn’t a star. At all. I think it’s terrible she wasn’t using birth control, and I do believe in abortion, which I know disappoints some conservative readers, but there you go. She’s just a kid.

But how fun would it be to see lovely Sarah each week in the audience, however long Bristol can be voted to stay in?! Ooh, I just found that I made a joke about Sarah and Obama on Dancing with the Stars back in 2008. How prescient am I?!

From a commenter at TWOP:

Bristol Palin would be a dealkiller for me. The message would be: get knocked up as a teenager and have a fundie lunatic for a mother and you too can be on Dancing with the Stars. Apparently ABC wants to give Sarah Palin free publicity because you know that every show will include at least 5 shots of her sitting in the front row.

No thanks.

—————-

I have nothing against Bristol, it’s better than if we end up with some Jersey Shore moron. And Sarah tends to stick to FOX News since they gave her that fat contract, so we may not see her as much as you think.

———————

I thought it was tough to watch Heather Mills, I thought it was tough to watch Tom Delay. Kate Gosselin almost did me in. I’m sure Bristol is a nice person but…maybe I should take this season off.

I liked Heather Mills and Tom Delay, and even Kate! So this might be a good season for me!

Other stars rumored to be on the show, according to Daily Kos:

A friend at ABC Entertainment informs me that Bernadine Dohrn, professor and former Weather Underground militant, is among contestants soon to be announced for “Dancing with the Stars.”

Along with Dohrn, the newly added contestants include:

Chris Kattan, comic actor
Nastia Liukin, Olympic Gold Medal gymnast
Ron Gettelfinger, former union president

They join the “stars” announced earlier:

Bristol Palin
David Hasselhoff
Brandy, R&B singer
Audrina Partridge of “The Hills”
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

Politico reports it, too. But I don’t believe the rest of this list at all. ABC keeps the cast under tight wraps, and always lists fake ones each year! The leaks this year are coming mostly from Twitter – actors and dancers cannot keep their mouths shut. (Who didn’t know that?)

Other rumors:

I’m not sure how credible Star magazine is, but according to them, Audrina, Jennifer Grey and Florence Henderson are signed up for this season.

Michael Bolton & Kym
Rick Fox & Edyta
Mike “The Situation” & Cheryl
Kurt Warner & Cheslie
David Hasselhoff & Karina
Troy Aikmen (or whatever male star) & Lacey

Bristol Palin & Mark
Brandy & Maks (just don’t give my girl Alec lol)
Margret Cho & Louis
Florence Henderson & Derek (one can hope right lol)
Jennifer Grey & Tony
Audrina Patridge & Alec

There will be a Press Conference! tonight on Bachelor Pad about the cast, so stay tuned!

More cartoons:

1. Dancing With the Stars leeches off of The Bachelor. Thanks, ABC.
2. Debating candidates for Dancing with the Stars cartoon.

The LA Times had a little item on this that had me laughing so hard I had to investigate further. (Why do I even bother to search latimes.com for the article? Man, their website STILL sucks for search.)

From Lehigh Times:

A game called “Alien Attack” at the Our Lady of Mount Carmel Big Time celebration in Roseto encouraged players to shoot darts at the head and heart of an image of a suited black man holding a health care bill and wearing a presidential seal.

obama carnival fair game from lehigh times

Irvin L. Good Jr., president of Hellertown-based Goodtime Amusements, said it wasn’t supposed to be Obama.

“We’re not interpreting it as Obama. The name of the game is ‘Alien Leader.’ If you’re offended, that’s fine, we duly note that.”

Don’t you love it?!

Our Lady pastor the Rev. Jim Prior said:

“We’re used to this kind of bigotry and prejudice, and we abhor it but it’s the way of the world,” Prior said. “Even the Divine Father himself is vilified in today’s culture.”

Oh, my gah, this priest is comparing Obama to God!! And WAY to change the subject, Rev. Prior!

The Morning Call had more. The Secret Service is investigating now, and Good changed his tune:

“I guess we made an error in judgment, and we apologize for that,” said Good, who has had the game for about six weeks. “I voted for the man. It wasn’t meant to be him. If they took it that way, we apologize.”

Players paid $1 per shot, or $5 for six shots, to fire foam darts at targets on his head and heart. Those who hit their mark won a stuffed animal.

The White House issued a statement Wednesday through spokeswoman Moira Mack saying it disapproves of using the president’s name and likeness for commercial purposes. The longstanding policy precedes Obama.

Federal law prohibits anyone from knowingly displaying any print or likeness of the presidential seal. Violators can face a fine and up to six months in prison. The U.S attorney’s office in Philadelphia declined to comment on the matter.

I agree that making fun of the Presidential office in any way dilutes the importance of the office, and of our country. Even if it’s Obama. What retards. (I’m not Jennifer Aniston, so I can say it.)

But I still laughed at everyone’s incredible obliviousness.

More cartoons:

1. Obama won Nobel Peace Prize in spite of himself.
2. Fox News – We’re Foxy!

goodbye lost cartoon

Haven’t watched the finale yet, but they said on Jimmy Kimmel that Vincent will live. Good boy.

After watching it: It made me cry buckets, but I was unhappy in a fan/writer/shipper way that is longer lasting. That was not an ending I appreciate, after watching for 6 years.

Tom Richmond, a famous MAD cartoonist with a very active blog, wrote a good summary here. (He writes at one point that he doesn’t watch much TV, but that’s my line, and we know that ain’t true!)

My comment I left there:

I loved this show – it showed that television can be art. Every other show will be held up to this one, and it’s good to have something to aspire to.

This season kind of sucked – the mystical temple, magic waters, and mythology was overdone and hammered into the scripts.

I don’t know anyone who didn’t get the ending – it’s pretty obvious if anyone watched the series, or even this season. But the NYT poll said only 2/3 of the viewers liked the ending, and I’m in the unhappy part. First of all, when I say I want a happy ending, I don’t want the protagonist to DIE in the last 5 minutes.

And is there really a happy? Because if Jack’s OWN SON wasn’t real in the sideways world, who’s to say all the happy reunions were real? Okay, he gains his LOST pals, but loses a son. Yeah, maybe the son wasn’t real, but then what about all the people we know? Logic disconnect.

I’ll write more in my TV blog, when I get time.

As far as the science mentioned here…

Molecular biologist J. Craig Venter, the primary author of the report detailing the findings, described the converted cell as “the first self-replicating species we’ve had on the planet whose parent is a computer.”

Not that impressive, it turns out: the inside part is artificial, but it still lives in a real cell! Spin, much?

More cartoons:

1. Will Sarah Palin show up in Dancing with the Stars?
2. Dancing With the Stars leeches off of The Bachelor. Thanks, ABC.

But does this Easter rabbit hate THE Tea party, or Alice in Wonderland’s tea party? I guess it depends if you like politics or the movie.

I wrote about the Alice movie Premiere in the LA Times earlier, but still haven’t seen the movie, and that’s the way I like it.

More cartoons:

1. Easter cartoon on the birthers.
2. Do you have to fill out any forms to join the Tea Party?

I asked him why, and he said “Johnny Depp is on the front page.”

“I don’t understand. I don’t like him either, but…”

“No, his face was all over the front page. They did this once before, and it just makes the paper look so trashy.”

I had no idea what he meant, but I wanted to tell him about a trashy editor of a woman’s magazine who had been so rude to me today, so we changed the topic.

Now I just heard John and Ken on KFI talking about the same thing! I ran to get the paper out of the plastic bag, and, um, it does look pretty bad. It’s a fake front page, with a hideous photo of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in the new release of Alice in Wonderland. (Does Johnny Depp have a big space between his teeth? Euwww. His hair is wild orange like Carrot Top.)

The photo and the ad, all in color,  covers the entire front page, except for a few paragraphs on either side and the top pretend masthead. It really looks like the front page – they call it a cover-wrap.

Unattractive, but this is an industry town. I’m not offended.

Oh My Gah, I just saw that the NY Times reported on this!

The top editor of The Times, Russ Stanton, and several of his deputies vigorously opposed the ad before it was published, but they were overruled by the paper’s business executives, according to people with direct knowledge of the dispute, who were granted anonymity to discuss private conversations.

John Conroy, a spokesman for The Times, said, “Stretching the boundaries was what we were going for.” He said Eddy W. Hartenstein, the publisher and chief executive, and other executives would not comment.

Mr. Conroy noted that however unorthodox the ad may be for print, it mirrors a common practice online of having an ad cover part or all of a Web site’s home page for a few seconds.

Well, that’s true.

The “Alice in Wonderland” ad, which also wraps around the paper, introduces a new wrinkle, lending the name and work of The Times to an advertiser.

Oh, fun, the LA Times is spinning this as a creative success story!

Timed to coincide with the release of the highly-anticipated “Alice in Wonderland,” starring Johnny Depp, The Times is the only major newspaper in the country to carry the innovative ad unit, conceived to launch the film in the most creative and unexpected manner to Southern California’s key movie-going audiences and creative community.

No, I’m not going to make a dumb joke about the Times going down the rabbit hole. Unh unh.

More cartoons:

1. The White Rabbit Cancels the Tea Party.
2. Sarah Palin drops in on Oprah. But leave Oprah’s Book Club out of this.

And then, it’s been building all week that Tiger Woods had his big announcement coming up. So… like any good cartoonist, I decided on a mashup of sports and an icon of a major religion. I had NO idea that Tiger would mention religion in his speech today…the religion of the Dalai Lama…and that my cartoon would be almost prophetic!!

From CNN:

“People probably don’t realize it,” he said, “but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years.”

“I like Buddhism because it’s a whole way of being and living,” Tiger Woods told Sports Illustrated. “It’s based on discipline and respect and personal responsibility.”

Fox News Channel host Brit Hume stirred controversy by publicly advising the golf pro to become a Christian.

Thanks for that little nugget, Brit.

From the LA Times:

As expected, Woods did not reveal when he would return to playing golf, saying he will return to therapy Saturday “for guidance on the issues he is facing.”

Wearing a dark blazer and a blue shirt, Woods often had tears in his eyes during his statement, telling a group of reporters he was responsible for the scandal that has engulfed his family.

UPDATED: 8:47 a.m.: Woods also appeared angry when he asked the media to respect the privacy of his family.

The LA Times cares about your feelings.

(another version of this cartoon after the jump)

In LA for his trip to the US the Dalai Lama was joined by Sheryl Crow.

I do recognize the name of Sheryl Crow.  Apparently, she and the Dalai are “just good friends.” I don’t have a cartoon of Sheryl, but will an artistic image of Sheryl Crow using for commissioning a Genuine Oil Painting of Sheryl Crow in highest professional quality, completely 100% hand-painted by high-skilled oil portrait artist. Art style: art-nouveau do?

I knew the Lama would say something short and sweet for this cartoon, and I am one of the very few (seemingly) who believe Tiger Woods was hung up by his toes for his very personal issues. I hate hate hate what happened to him. I wouldn’t read anything about it. Jimmy Kimmel’s jokes were stupid, and I never laughed. I DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE DO IN THE BEDROOM. And who am I to judge his marriage dealie? Maybe they had an open marriage.

And…yes, I was cutting up a banana that was just this edge of bad while the ideas swirled in my head.  I laughed hysterically. And it’s not just what you think, although it is that, too! I mean, bananas go bad faster than any other fruit, and then they’re useless, and they smell bad. Bad bananas.

So the Dalai Lama is the type that won’t judge bananas. Or Tiger. Nor will Slate, and they usually get all my cartoons first.

But newspapers are not like Slate, not yet, so I had to clean it up a little, below

Good thing, because LA Daily News is buying it for Sunday, so you can get your copy there.

There may be more comments on the cartoon here. (Sorry, no link now. Uclick threw away 2 years of my cartoons on Slate, Gocomics and Yahoo News when they kicked me out of Gocomics.)

Cartoon caption: SECRET MEETING – DALAI LAMA AND TIGER WOODS. There are no bad bananas. Alternate ending: Silence is Golden.

More cartoons:

1. Do I have to do a cartoon on GOLF now?
2. I’m the first blogger to write fan fiction about Obama.

Before Haiti, it was all about the Jay Leno – Conan O’Brien scuffle. (With Carson Daly thrown in the mix somehow, but I’ve never watched him… and some other talk show host I never watch.) I didn’t know if this was a real news story – I mean, networks move stuff around all the time, because they’re as bad at guessing as the rest of us, and does anyone really care about late night talk shows?

Well there’s sure been a lot of buzz about it, so, yeah.

And the letter that Conan wrote was kind of fun and sly! For some reason the Times has parsed it, as if we couldn’t understand the original FU letter, which was perfectly direct, well-mannered, and open.

In a scathing letter addressed to the “People of Earth,” O’Brien ripped into NBC for undercutting his brief reign at “The Tonight Show” with a move that he said would “seriously destroy” what he called “the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting.”

“I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me,” O’Brien said. “I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future.”

Today the Times announced that Conan O’Brien is definitely being kicked out, fired, or paid off so King Leno can do his thing. What a surprise. Like we couldn’t see that coming.

NBC said early Thursday that it has reached a deal with “The Tonight Show” host Conan O’Brien for his exit from the show, allowing Jay Leno to return to the late-night program he hosted for 17 years.

Poor Coco. No, that’s not my pet name for Conan, but apparently his fans think Conan is too ethnic or something, so they call him that on Twitter.

Even though I never ever watched Conan O-Brien more than once or twice, I still feel resentful towards Jay Leno now. What is wrong with me?

Cartoon Caption: Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Late night, 12:35 PM, Midnight, etc.

“Just tell me. Who will sing me to sleep each night?”

I read an article that no one likes changes of  late night shows. You’re in your nightgown or pjs, things are winding down, you don’t want to think about work the next day, you either are or you aren’t looking forward to sex before bedtime, and it’s best that TV just give you a routine, and put you to bed.

What is that baby doing, exactly? I shudder to think. I redrew Jay Leno in a later version of this, but I do think Conan came off very well.

I wasn’t thinking of the bands and singers they have on late night programs, as I meant this metaphorically, but as so often happens, that works, too!

More cartoons:

1. Who’s your rac-ist?
2. Meg Whitman’s maid has nothing on John and Ken.